The One With the E-guitar based on some real events and a joke by Ulli Stein
[Scene: Joey’s ; Joey and Rachel are there]
[Joey goes towards his bedroom]
Rachel: Joey, you don’t wanna go sleep now, do ya??
Joey: Yeah! I have to work very hard tomorrow! An important Casting! [he intransitives and gets big eyes]
Rachel: Oh wow! It must be a very important job ‘cause it’s nine o’clock!
Joey: [thinks over] It’s early!
Rachel: How late is it?
Joey: [looks at his watch] 9:05
Rachel: No, no! I mean your Casting! When is it?
Joey: Oh uhmmmm…eleven o’clock!
Rachel: [frowns, ironical] Oh yeah! That’s early!
Joey: Yeah!
Rachel: Hey, Joey, common! You don’t wanna sleep 13 hours!
Joey: Well, Yes!
Rachel: [thinks over] Well, OK! If you go sleep, I’ll go too!
Joey: So then, Good Night, Sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Rachel: Night, Joey! [goes in her bedroom]
[Scene: Rachel’s lying in her bed, it thunders, she stands up and goes to Joey]
Rachel: [whispers] Joey? It thunders! Joey I’m scared when it thunders!
Joey: Are you a baby? Emma can cry, but ya shouldn’t!
Rachel: Yeah it’s like a … uhmmmm trauma?
Joey: [understands] Oh! Ok then keep cool and creep under your blanket!
Rachel: Can I sleep in your bed?
Joey: Well, OK!
[Rachel lays down in Joey’s bed, she looks contended, it thunders again, Rachel’s scared, Joey notices that]
Joey: Keep Cool!
[after a minute Rachel’s asleep, it thunders; Joey’s scared, gets out something under his blanket – it’s Huggsy!]
-Opening Credits-
[Scene: in the streets; Phoebe and Chandler are walking down the street and watches the shop-windows]
Chandler: So tell me, why you wanted I go with ya in the city? I mean why me and not Rachel or Monica?
Phoebe: Because you’re my best friend!
Chandler: [surprised] Really?
Phoebe: [cool] No!
Chandler: [sadly] Oh! But is there a special occasion?
Phoebe: You mean a festive occasion?
Chandler: [excited and surprised that Phoebe says it] Yes! Is there a festive occasion?
Phoebe: [smiles, then she gets cool] No!
Chandler: [confused] Well then, tell me the fact!
Phoebe: Monica must go in every shop if she’s in town. And by the way if we’re sitting on a bench she looks after the rests of chewing gum and if she found some she scrapes it off. Rach goes just in boutiques and Joey drags me in all the fast-food-restaurants on the right side! Only the right side because it’s too strenuous look in two different directions. Well, here we are!
Chandler: You’ve forgotten Ross!
Phoebe: Ross? Oh right Ross! Uhmmm Ross … I don’t know. I haven’t been in town with Ross ever.
Chandler: [smiles] And what’s so special with me?
Phoebe: [looks at him] Well, you do all the things I do. If I go in this direction [points right], you go too. And besides … if I go with Joey, women ask him for his telephone number and for dates all the time. But if I’m with you … there is nobody, y’know?
Chandler: [looks sorry] Maybe it’s because I am married and Joey’s a single?
Phoebe: [don’t realises Chandler’s justification] Oh No! Joey’s a single but Rachel has a baby! She’s carring Emma in her seat and nevertheless they ask her for a date! Besides Monica is married too!
Chandler: [startled] What? They ask Monica for dates?
Phoebe: Yes! Have you thought she’ll ever stay with you?
Chandler: Pheebs, she promised me she will be!
Phoebe: That’s of your visiblity!
[Chandler looks angrily]
[Cut to Monica’s; Joey, Rachel, Ross and Monica are there]
Rachel: [presses Ross to come] Oh, Ross common! We’re late!
Ross: [ignorant] We’re late for what?
Rachel: For our course in parents-learn-to-bring-up-a-child! You’ve forgotten it, haven’t you?
Ross: No! If there’s somebody who has forgotten something it’ll be you! You never told me we’re going to this course for losers.
Rachel: You call me a loser?
Ross: Not yet. Just if you go to this course!
Rachel: Yeah and you’ll too!
Ross: What’s that for?
Rachel: We have to learn how we bring up Emma!
Ross: I’ve already bring up a kid! I will manage a second one!
Rachel: O-OK! Emma isn’t fond of you? Well, I’ll tell her that if she’s thirteen! I’ll tell her that and then she believes you are only the dino-man! [takes her jacket and leaves the room]
Ross: [feels guilty] Oh gee! [takes his jacket and runs after Rachel]
Monica: Uhmmm … the show finished! Back to work!
Joey: OK [bites in his sandwich]
Monica: Joey, I gonna join in a cooking-competition! [grins]
Joey: Do ya?
Monica: Yes!
Joey: What’s the price?
Monica: A weekend in Hawai!
Joey: Wow! How many people you can take along?
Monica: Uhmmm … two!
Joey: Cool! Baby I’ll fly to Hawai!
Monica: [surprised] When?
Joey: Well, you’ll take me along, don’t ya?
Monica: Sorry, honey, but I think I’ll take Chandler.
Joey: [kranky] What? Chandler? And me?
Monica: Sorry!
Joey: So when do ya have it?
Monica: The competition? [looks at her watch] Now! See ya, Joey!
Joey: Bye, and goo … [stops, forms his eyes to slites] bad luck!
[Monica leaves the appartment, Ross enters]
Ross: [out of breath] Joey, could you keep an eye on Emma?
Joey: Sure! Just tell me, where is the milk?
Ross: In her buggy.
Joey: OK!
Ross: Thank you, guy!
Joey: Hey! No problem!
Ross: OK, bye! [wanna close the door]
Joey: Ehhhhr Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Where she is?
[Cut to Monica; she’s standing in front of a little kitchen, a man is there]
Man: Hello, you must be Monica Bing. Are you Monica [speaks it like the ‘bing’ of a microwave] Bing?
Monica: [sceptical] Yes, right!
Man: So you wanna cook for us?
Monica: Cook? I thought this is a competition for drawing?
Man: [didn’t understand her irony] Oh you’re enrol for the drawing-competition? Then you’re wrong here. The drawing competition is there [points behind Monica], the right door next to the toilettes! [goes away]
Monica: No! No, I was just joking! [the man doesn’t hear] At least I’m allowed to draw a pot, I am not?
[Cut to Phoebe and Chandler; they are still walking down the streets]
Phoebe: Hey, Chandler! See this! It’s a ‘Listen your sound’ guitar shop! I’ve all over searched one of these guitar-shops-chain! Great! Common we must visit it!
Chandler: Yeah it would be interesting for change. After all we have been shopping and shopping but there wasn’t one shop we went in!
Phoebe: Crap! We’ve been in this shop which calles ‘How to live with a father who’s a gay’!
Chandler: Shhhht! How should I know it isn’t that I thought!
Phoebe: The men have been hot there!
Chandler: Yeah they have! [frightened about himself] I didn’t say this!
[they go in the shop]
Phoebe: Oh my god! Look this nice guitars! [takes a very small one] Cute!
Chandler: [sees an E-guitar] Oh my god! Look this one!
Phoebe: Don’t touch it!
Chandler: Why not?
Phoebe: If you touch it there will go electric shocks through your body!
Chandler: What? Pheebs, you play an E-guitar with current but you don’t be live!
Phoebe: Oh! Then the E-guitar , I held in the hand, had been struck by ligthning. Go and touch the guitar! [Chandler looks sceptical at her] [Phoebe shouts] GO! [Chandler go frightened to the guitars]
Chandler: [takes an E-guitar with red flames] Cool!
Phoebe: [comes to him] Hey, I know something funny! We make a pact! You buy this lightning-guitar and I take this cute one!
Chandler: You mean I should buy the guitar?
Phoebe: Of course! You like this guitar, don’t you?
Chandler: Yeah I really like it! But I think Monica doesn’t like it! [puts the guitar sadly aside]
Phoebe: You shouldn’t show consideration for everyone all the time! Buy it!
Chandler: Really?
Phoebe: [orders] Buy it!
Chandler: Well, OK! [jumps through the shop] I’m going to buy an E-guitar! I’m going to buy an E-guitar!
[Cut to Monica’s; Joey sits on the couch and watches TV, Emma cries]
Joey: Who’s there? [looks through the room, Emma comes back him, shout] EMMA! I will save you! Well, Ross said you’re where? [runs to, and fro]
[Cut to Rachel and Ross; they’re sitting in a chair-circle]
Ross: Are you sure that this is the right course?
Rachel: Shut Up! I wanna listen to Mrs Jackson!
Mrs Jackson: At first it’s important to have your kid under control! Sometimes they wanna even hit you but don’t lose the control and hit them too! This they wanna reach! Then they’re right to charche you! The second point is ‘How to fight against the drug addiction’.
Mr Fonis have done experiences with this point. Maybe he tells us something about that.
Mr Fonis: [stands up] Hi! I’m John Fonis!
Everbody: Hello John!
Mr Fonis: [wears black clothes and has a bald head] Well, my first son has pushed with cannabis! My second one has taken cocain …
Ross: [whispers to Rachel] Well, if you ask me, the course is for parents whose children are criminal!
Mrs Jackson: Yeah, please, you wanna say something?
Ross: Me?
[The others look at him evily]
Mrs Jackson: [nasty] Yes, you!
Ross: No, no! I just thought that it’s good for children come into contact with drugs.
Mrs Jackson: [frowns] No, not in the least!
Ross: Then it’s the wrong course. Rachel, could you stand up and accompany me in the jail?
Rachel: [angrily] I don’t know you!
Mrs Jackson: [serious] Mr Geller and Mrs Greene could you leave the building, please!
Rachel: Oh Ross, you are an idiot! [stands up and leaves the room]
Ross: [to the others] Adultery! [the guys look at him without move a muscle] Oh! It seems to me this isn’t the right place for humour. [leaves the room too]
[Cut to Monicas; she’s drawing a picture, it calls through a loudspeaker ‘ The cooking-competition begins in five minutes’]
[Monica creeps back to the cooking-competition, she goes to a free kitchen and begins to cook, a man arrives]
2. Man: Uhmmm sorry, but this is my kitchen!
Monica: [frowns] No, I’m standing here for a half hour!
2. Man: Really? And I’m standing here for one hour!
Monica: I haven’t noticed it.
2. Man: Well, maybe it’s because you stood in another kitchen.
Monica: Listen, I’m a real cook!
2. Man: Nice for you! I’m too!
Monica: See there! The water boils over! [the man turns around and Monica hits him with a frying-pan on his head] Sorry, it was you who boils over!
[Cut to Phoebe and Chandler; they go upstairs]
Chandler: [happy with his guitar] Pheebs, you’re great!
Phoebe: I know!
Chandler: [opens the door to his appartment] Hey Joey!
[Joey sits there with Emma in his arms and feed her with milk but she cries]
Joey: She hasn’t stopped for hours!
Phoebe: Where are Ross and Rachel?
Chandler: You’ve forgotten Monica!
Phoebe: I’m asking because of Emma!
Chandler: OK!
Joey: They’re to a course about die-out-animals or something else.
Phoebe: To a die-out-animals-course? Why they didn’t take me along?
Chandler: Joe, see this! [shows his guitar]
Joey: Wow!
Chandler: [excited] Yeah!
Phoebe: But you haven’t seen the best!
Joey: What else is coming?
Phoebe: See this! [shows her small guitar]
Joey: [grins stiffed] Great! But what shall I do with Emma?
Chandler: Hey, I could play something on my guitar! Maybe it calmes down her. [starts playing, it sounds grotty]
Phoebe: [puts one’s hands over one’s ears] STOP! STOP! SHUT UP!
Chandler: [stops play] What? Didn’t it sounds well?
Joey: No! Emma cries more than before!
Chandler: [sadly] You haven’t the gift to hear the real sound bottom the melody! Besides I didn’t played the ‘Special Effect’!
Joey: Perhaps she wanna watch TV? [turns on the TV, zapps]
Phoebe: There … [changes over] …is…[changes over] … a … [changes over] MONICA! [changes over] …STOP! Stop, Joey! Monica was in the TV! [Joey changes over] See there! It’s Monica!
Chandler: You’re right! Monica’s in the TV! Where she is? She doesn’t told me she’s now in the television-business!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica, listen, we’ll get you out there! Do you listen me? Hey! It’s unbelievable! She doesn’t listen to me!
Joey: Wow, Emma’s quite now!
Chandler: Maybe it’s because her aunt is in the TV? What for heaven’s sake my wife’s doing in my TV? Joey, did she tells you something?
Joey: Oh yes, she said she’s gonna join a competition!
Chandler: What competition?
Joey: A cooking-competition!
Phoebe: Wow! For that she’s behaving like a thief!
Chandler: What? Why? [watches at the TV, Monica’s putting things in her bag]
Joey: Well, she’s criminal, too! Look this young man on the ground!
Phoebe: Chander, are you sure your wife isn’t coming out of the jail?
[Cut to Monica, she hears steps, kneels before the man]
Monica: Hey you guy! You should stand up now! [wait a short time, nervous] You haven’t stood the air here, that’s all OK?
[the man at the beginning and a woman enters]
Man: Oh my god! What’s happened?
Monica: I don’t know! Probably he hasn’t stood the air.
Woman: I phone the ambulance!
[the man wakes up]
2. Man: Where I am? [notices Monica] Oh, you! [angrily] You’re dead!
Monica: No, I’m here! I’m alive! [to the woman] He must be mess!
Woman: Probably!
Man: [to Monica] Well, you’re cooking, aren’t you?
Monica: Yes, I think I should stand in for him
Man: Oh that’s nice! I think Mr Anderson would be grateful to you for this!
Monica: [flattered] Oh Thank you!
[Cut to Monica’s; Joey, Chandler and Phoebe are there]
Chandler: Have you listen to that? She flirts with him!
Phoebe: Chandler, not at all! She has said ‘Thank you!’
Joey: So what? That’s a sign for flirting!
Emma: Mama
Joey: [surprised] What? [looks at Emma] What did you say? Guys, have you heard it? Emma said something! Yeah, it sounds like ‘Mama’!
Phoebe: Crap!
Chandler: Why she should say ‘Mama’?
Joey: Clear! She’s missing her mum!
Phoebe: [uninterested] Yeah, maybe she do it! You could take the place of her Mum!
Joey: Well, ok , could you borrow me your breasts?
Chandler: Shut Up! Shut Up! I’ve heard this sentence too frequently!
Joey: Hey, calm down!
Chandler: Yes, I must play E-guitar, this calm me down. [stands up]
Phoebe: No stop! [Chandler turns around] Uhmmm I haven’t meant you Chandler, I meant the TV!
Joey: [to Chandler] But you can stop, too!
Chandler: What’s in the TV?
Phoebe: They have change the camera! Monica isn’t in the monitor anymore! [looks at her watch] Woah! It’s time for ‘Maggy the penguin’!
Chandler: What’s ‘Maggy the penguin’?
Joey: [laughs] You don’t know ‘Maggy the penguin’? [changes over]
Chandler: No!
Joey: [watches ‘Maggy the penguin, a series for children] Gee, then you miss something!
Phoebe: Emma like it! She’s quiet!
Joey: Yeah! And you should shut up too! I don’t understand anything!
Chandler: I think it’s because they don’t speak!
[Scene: Rachel walks down the street, Ross runs after Rachel]
Ross: Rachel! [she doesn’t answer] Rachel! Wait!
Rachel: Go away!
Ross: Rachel, please!
Rachel: [turns around] Ross, what was that for?
Ross: Rachel, this wasn’t the right course for us!
Rachel: But I liked it!
Ross: No! You just say it because I should be wrong.
Rachel: Of course you should!
Ross: Yeah! I’m so sorry! My behaviour was dumb!
Rachel: It was!
Ross: But I promise you that Emma will grow up better than every kid in this whole wide world!
Rachel: [smiles a short moment] Well, Ross, I don’t think so!
Ross: What?
Rachel: Emma hasn’t a family! Her parents are divorced!
Ross: It doesn’t must be forever!
Rachel: [surprised] What’s that supposed to mean?
Ross: You’ll marry! You wont be alone forever!
Rachel: [a little dissapointed] Yeah, you’re right!
Ross: OK? And now let’s go home!
Rachel: [is mess] Yes!
[Scene: Monica’s; Joey, Chandler and Phoebe are there, everbody watches eager ‘Maggy the Penguin’]
Phoebe: Oh no! Maggy has lost her bag!
Joey: Oh my god! That means she has no mobile anymore!
Chandler: No, that means she hasn’t food anymore!
[Monica enters]
Monica: Hey you guys!
[nobody answers]
Monica: Hi darling!
Chandler: [doesn’t look at Monica] Hi Mu-Ma-Mi uhmm Monica! [realises] Oh honey! [kisses Monica, serious] You’re a thief?
Monica: [confused] No, why?
Chandler: You stole the letters of the noodle-soup!
Monica: [horrified] No! … Yes but how do you know it?
Chandler: They sent you in the TV!
Monica: What?
Chandler: Yes, who was this guy on the ground?
Monica: Oh my god you saw it?
Chandler: Have you hit him?
Monica: Yeah but just a little bit! Woah now I know why I didn’t won the competition, they have filmed me! That’s unfair!
Chandler: You broke the rules!
Monica: Who ever … I will cook for you! Joey, Pheebs you wanna eat noodle-soup too?
Joey&Phoebe: [watches still TV] Yeah!
Chandler: But then we aren’t allowed to put the bad word with ‘F’!
[Emma begins to cry]
Joey: Hey, Chandler you said the bad word with ‘F’ and now she cries … I’m not surprised!
Chandler: Hey! I didn’t finished the word!
Joey: [begins to sing]
Emma, I saw you the first time
It was in the prime
As you was very small
And you’ve cried through the hall
Emma, you’re the baby of Ross
Not of the man across
Rachel’s your ‘Mama’
And this is no drama!
Emma, we love you all
Phoebe is tall
Monica’s your aunt
Chandler checks the sound
Emma, the best of us is me!
I’m from Italy behind the sea
My favorite animal is the pig
If I eat too much I have to ‘Hick’
Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma
[Emma stops crying]
Monica: [impressed] Sweeeeet! Joey, you can sing?
Joey: Oh you heard it?
Phoebe: Joey, we should sing together in the Central Perk!
Chandler: And I accompany you with my E-guitar!
Monica: [surprised] You have an E-guitar?
Chandler: Yes! Look here! [shows his guitar]
Monica: Oh my god!
Phoebe: [excited] Yeah and look this! [shows her small guitar]
Monica: [grins stiffed] Cool!
Chandler: Shall I play?
Monica: [fast] No!
Chandler: But you didn’t hear me yet!
Monica: Yes but uhmmm not now OK?
Chandler: Okay … [puts the E-guitar sadly aside]
Monica: [opens the fridge] Joey, here’s an instant whip which is expired. Could you open it?
Joey: Of course! [goes to the fridge, takes the instant whip and open it] Here!
Monica: Yes and now you can eat it.
Joey: No I don’t wanna eat expired instant whip!
Monica: But you said ‘Yes’!
Joey: You have asked me if I wanna open the instant whip but you didn’t asked me if I wanna eat it! [sits down on the couch]
[Monica rolls her eyes]
Monica: The noodle-soup’s ready! You can take a cup and eat something.
Phoebe: Is meat in the noodles?
Monica: No! [laughs] But you can put ‘meat’ with the letters!
Phoebe: [laughs crazy, serious] No!
[Ross and Rachel enters]
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Hey!
Everybody: Hi!
Joey: Rachel, Emma has spoken her first words!
Rachel: [surprised] What?
Joey: Yeah she said ‘Mama’!
Rachel: Oh wow! Ross, she said my name! [they look at each other, smile and hug, then to Joey] Joey, she sleeps! She never felt asleep if I’m not there!
Joey: I’m a conjurer!
Ross: Thank you for keeping an eye on Emma!
Joey: Hey you’re my buddy!
Phoebe: How was the die-out-animal-course?
Rachel: Die-out-animal-course ?
Ross : It was a course for people whose children are criminial!
Phoebe: Oh! Monica should visit it!
Monica: [looks angrily, but before someone asks] You wanna eat noodle-soup?
[scene changes: Monica’s; the next day, everybody is there]
Chandler: Pheebs, let’s play with our guitars!
Phoebe: Oh yeah! Great! [takes her guitar, Chandler too, they begins to play]
Everybody: STOP IT!
Chandler&Phoebe: Why?
Monica: I’m so sorry that I say it but I think it’s for your well-being! [cool] You play grotty!
Chandler: [is distressed] What?
Phoebe: [not surprised] Yeah, Chandler, Monica’s right! You play grotty!
Monica: No, I meant you two!
Phoebe: [is destressed too] What?
Rachel: Yeah, we’re serious: You play grotty! [notices their angry faces] What do you mean, Joey?
Joey: [didn’t listen] WHAT?
Rachel: Oh!
[Phoebe and Chandler are looking at Ross]
Ross: [notices] Oh! Uhmmm.. Hi! Well … [looks at the others beseechingly] Uhmmm … I found it well?
[Rachel and Monica roll their eyes]
Chandler: Thank you, buddy!
Phoebe: Now you can stay here! The others go now, please!
Joey: Me too?
Phoebe: No you can stay here.
Monica: Pheebs, you can’t kick me out of my own appartment!
Phoebe: Blast!
Chandler: But I can!
Monica: You kick me out?
Chandler: Yes!
Monica: But it’s my appartment!
Chandler: [drops] Blast!
-Ending Credits-
[Scene: Monica’s; Ross, Rachel and Monica are there]
Ross: So have you found a solution for the two musicians?
Rachel: Yeah! Where they are?
Monica: [points to the balcony] They get on the neighbour’s nerves!
[Scene: balcony; Chandler and Phoebe are playing with their guitars]
-The End-