The One With Ross' Biography
[at the central perk: Ross is sitting on the couch and writes something down]
[Rachel enters]
Rachel: hey
Ross: hey rach. Guess what I’m doing!
Rachel: (confused) have a coup of coffee?
Ross: no! (shows her a few papers)
Rachel: what is that?
Ross: my life!
Rachel: wow, your life is pretty short, huh?
Ross: no, these are only the first few pages, I’m at junior high right now
Rachel: wow, you’re making big steps backwards! (looks at the papers) for… what… what…for…. I mean…. What… huh??
Ross: I am writing my first book!
Rachel: oh, what’s it about?
Ross: me!
Rachel: what??
Ross: yeah, I’m writing my biography! Isn’t that great?
Rachel: well, if anybody is interested in a boring childhood, a loser as a teenager, three divorces and two children… this is gonna be the best-seller!
[at monica and chandler’s: monica is sitting on the couch]
(chandler comes in, monica stands up and looks at him longing)
monica: hey…
chandler: (confused) hi…hi?!
Monica: how was you day?
Chandler: (still confused) I was at joey’s! and, how was you day??
Monica: (goes to him) not so good, you (points at his chest) weren’t here.
Chandler: are you ok, honey?
Monica: yeah, sure. ‘cause you are… (kisses him)… here now. Are you… (kisses him again) ok?
Chandler: oh…. (realises what she wants to do) I am… (kisses her) ok
Monica: that’s… great.
Chandler: what is wrong with us? Are we seventeen again?? (grabs her, kisses her and they lie down on the couch)
[at the central perk: ross and rachel are still on the couch, ross writes his biography]
[phoebe enters]
rachel: hey pheebs! Guess what ross is doin’!
phoebe: oh no, are you getting divorced again?
Rachel: no! (to ross) no?
Ross: no!
Phoebe: what are you doing then?
Ross. (exited) I’ writing my first book!
Phoebe: uh yay! What’s it about?
Ross: (still exited) me!!
Phoebe: what?
Ross: my biography!
Phoebe: (looks to rachel kind of scared) oh. (pause) so, what are you doing, rach?
Rachel: nothing. But hey, do you wanna come and see a movie with me?
Phoebe: yeah, sure! When?
Rachel: I don’t know. In the evening?
Phoebe: oh, no. I have my meditation club today.
Ross: don’t you have that Tuesdays?
Phoebe: ross, today is Tuesday!
Rachel: no, today is Thursday!
Phoebe: really? Oh, that’s why they kept starring at me yesterday when I went to my naked reading club!
[rachel and ross look at each other very confused]
rachel: ehm, yeah, so do you have time?
Phoebe: no, I’m sorry, if it’s really Thursday, I have my Joey-day today, you know, when we are talking about you guys and stuff…
Ross: you still do that?
Phoebe: yeah!
Ross: and again, you look great!
Phoebe: and again, noticed!
Rachel: ok, if you don’t have time, I’m gonna ask monica (stands up)
Ross: hey, what about me? Why don’t you ask me?
Rachel: oh, I thought you were writing your book, but, do you wanna come?
Ross: no, I’m sorry, I’ll write my book
Rachel: then why did you ask?
Ross: because I don’t wanna be the only one not asked!
Rachel: ok, see you later (lefts)
Ross: you are really still doing that??
Phoebe: yes!
[ross gives her his muffin]
[ in the hallway: rachel goes to monica and chandler]
rachel: (enters) hey, are you guys at home? (she doesn’t hear anything) hello?? (goes into the bathroom) hello?? Where are you?? (goes into the bedroom) hel--- oh my god! I’m so sorry! (runs out)
[chandler and monica comes out in their bathrobes]
chandler: I talked to her last time, it’s your call!
Monica: now??
Chandler: yes! Go!
Monica: ok, but while I’m talking to rachel, you are going in the tub, ok?
Chandler: oh, ok. (kisses her and goes into the bathroom, monica goes to rachel)
[cut to rachel]
Monica: rach, we’re sorry!
Rachel: hey, it’s ok! I mean, it’s not the first time! (more to her self) I really have to knock!
Monica: (also more to her self) and we have to lock the door… I… eh… I’m sorry
Rachel: monica, it’s ok, really! You don’t have to apologise for havin’ sex!
Monica: ok
Rachel: ok
[embarrassing pause]
rachel: ross is writing his biography!
[at the central perk: ross is writing, phoebe is sitting in the armchair]
[joey comes in]
joey: hey
phoebe: hey joey! Guess what ross ist doing!
Joey: are you getting divorced again?
Phoebe: no! (to ross) no?
Ross: still.. no! I’m writing my biography!
Joey: don’t lie! You’re getting divorced!
Ross: No! I don’t even have a girlfriend!
Joey: yeah, if you’d care about that…
[a very angry look from ross]
Phoebe: hey, Joey, do not forget our date today!
Joey: phoebe, today is Wednesday!
Phoebe: no, today is Thursday, after Ross and Rachel though…
Joey: (counts the days) oh crap! Then I missed my class!
Phoebe: but our Joey- and- Phoebe- day is today, right?
Joey: (counts the days again) yeah, that’s today. But (counts the days again) I’m sorry, I have to work tonight! I have a part in the Bo—in a soap opera…
Ross: hey, that’s great! When was the audition?
Joey: I didn’t go to it, I know the casting lady.
Ross: that’s… great. What-- what’s your part about?
Joey: it’s so cool! I am an alien which came from another planet down to earth! That’s cool, huh!
Ross: yeah, that’s… cool… and from… from which planet do you come?
Joey: something with… (thinks) aglomania.
Ross: what?? This planet doesn’t even exist! How can that –
Phoebe: (interrupts him quickly) so, you don’t have time for me?
Joey: I’m afraid so.
Phoebe: oh, that’s too bad! But, uh, then I have time for Rachel! [leaves]
Ross: aglomania??
[ at Joey and Rachel’s: Monica (still in her robe) is sitting on the chair, Rachel in the armchair]
Monica: I mean, what does he wanna write about?? His three divorces and the two kids he has with two different women he isn’t even married to one of them??
Rachel: well yeah, that’s pretty much it. And, let’s not forget, all his High school and college time, and the whole “we were on a break” thing.
Monica: (pause) who wants to read that??
[cut to Chandler in the tub: the whole bathroom is full of candles, but he’s getting chilly because Monica isn’t comin]
Chandler: wow, how long does Monica explain it to Rachel?? It isn’t even the first time she talks to her about that… I bet they are talking about something else! About me! How stupid I am that I thought Monica would come back! That was all a plan and now they are making fun about me! What a crappy bi -- oh, don’t do that man!
[cut back to Rachel and Monica, they are still talking when Phoebe enters]
Phoebe: hey!
Monica/ Rachel: hey Pheebs!
Monica: what’s up?
Phoebe: I just wanted to ask you guys if you wanna come and see a movie with me.
Rachel: but I thought today is you Joey-day!
Phoebe: He has to work… so, you have time?
Rachel: yeah, sure! (takes her coat) let’s go!
Phoebe: yeah, but I think you have to change first, Mon!
Monica: (looks down, then realises) oh Jeez! (runs out)
Phoebe: what?
Rachel: she was with Chandler when I came in.
Phoebe: uh, that’s not nice!
Rachel: I’m getting used to it…
Phoebe: yeah, me too. Wanna go?
Rachel: sure.
[they leave]
[Monica and chandler’s: chandler is still in the tub]
chandler: the water is getting colder and colder and colder… and… no Monica!
Monica: (enters the kitchen) honey? Are you still in the tub?
Chandler: yeah, wanna come in?
Monica: oh, yeah!
[Monica goes into the bathroom, takes off her robe and goes in the tub with one feed but pulls it back because the water is so cold]
Monica: oh, man, this is cold! why is it so cold?
Chandler: because I’m in here for twenty minutes now, waiting for you!
Monica: oh, I’m sorry! Come on out! [chandler goey out of the tub and takes his robe] but it’s really romantic here!
Chandler: I know! What took you so long??
Monica: we talked
Chandler: (a bit frightened) about?
Monica: ross. (chandler is relieved) what?
Chandler: nothing. What did he do?
Monica: he’s writing his biography!
Chandler: he’s what??
Monica: he’s writing his whole life down!
Chandler: you mean his whole marriages!
[ central perk: Ross and Joey are there]
Joey: would you let that go now, Ross?? This is just a soap opera! Nothing is realistic in that! Or, does a birth of a cat sounds realistic to you??
Ross: yes, that happens all the time!
Joey: yeah, but not when the mom is an elephant!
Ross: an elephant?? Aglomania??
[night scene]
[at Joey and Rachel’s: Rachel and Phoebe are coming back from the movies]
Rachel: oh god! That was so scary!
Phoebe: well, it was called “a night with Mr Dead”, what do you expect??
Rachel: I don’t know, a movie with happy family and the father’s name is Mr Dead? But not a movie with aliens who eat everybody!
Phoebe: do you think they would even eat ugly naked guy?
Rachel: no, who wanna eat that?
Phoebe: yeah, that would be even too much for the aliens…
[Joey comes back from work, he is wearing an alien costume (green, fat, a long trunk), the girls see him and scream]
Rachel/ Phoebe: ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!
[at Joey and Rachel’s: phoebe and Rachel are still screaming, the Joey-alien stands shocked in the door]
[Rachel takes a broom and hits the Joey-alien with it, he runs away, to Monica and Chandler.
Monica and chandler watch shocked up from the couch as they notice that Joey is in there. Rachel and Phoebe come running and two brooms now and hunt the Joey-alien around the table in the kitchen. Monica takes the blanket to cover herself, Chandler takes his robe, they stand up]
Chandler: hey!! What are you doing in here?? (they all stop running)
Rachel: there—the—a—alien!! There!
Phoebe: It ate ugly naked guy!
Joey: I’m not an alien! (takes off the hat, so they can see Joey) It’s me, Joey!
Phoebe: But why are you dressed like an alien?
Joey: for the part of the show! I told ya! Why are you so scared?
Phoebe: because we saw how aliens ate ugly naked guy!
Monica: what? (goes to the window) no, he’s right there, naked, everything is fine!
Joey: nah, not everything, I can see through your blanket again. (looks at her body and grins, Chandler hugs her from behind, so Joey can’t see anything)
Joey: still… (grins)
Chandler: just don’t look at her!
Joey: (still starring) what?
Monica: Joey!
Joey: yah! (looks in her face)
Chandler: what for a show?
Joey: oh, just a stupid kid – soap opera…
Monica: with aliens?
Joey: yeah?! But hey, they took me without auditioned for it!
Chandler: know the casting lady?
Joey: yeah…
Rachel: could you take that off now, please! His looks ridiculous!
Chandler: still scared?
Rachel: a bit…
[Joey takes the costume off, he’s only wearing pants right now]
Chandler: man! Please!
[Joey puts I on again, shooks his head and leaves]
Phoebe: so, what do you wanna do?
[chandler and monica grin]
Rachel: oh, ok! [they leave]
[day scene]
[at Ross’s: ross sits on the couch and writes, Phoebe comes in]
Phoebe: hey Ross!
Ross: hey pheebs! What’s up?
Phoebe: I just wanted to know how it’s going with your book.
Ross: wow, you care about my book?
Phoebe: yeah, sure! I thought I could give you a hint…
Ross: you have experiences with writing biographies?
Phoebe: ya-ha! I wrote one myself!
Ross: you wrote one yourself? Why don’t we know that?
Phoebe: (hesitates) because… nobody knows it.
Ross: but that’s why you write it! To let people see what your life is about!
Phoebe: but.. but nobody is allowed to see what my life is like!
Ross: so why did you write it anyway?
Phoebe: it wasn’t mine…
Ross: what? Who’s was it?
Phoebe: from a friend…
Ross: do I know that friend?
Phoebe: (exited) yeah, it’s you! Surprise! (takes a bunch of papers out of her purse)
Ross: what?? You wrote my biography??
Phoebe: you’re welcome!
Ross: but I don’t want to be welcome! Why did you do that?
Phoebe: because… because I thought your life is pretty interesting
Ross: oh that’s so sweet, thank you pheebs!
Phoebe: oh you buy that? Ok, because I thought your life is pretty interesting!
[at Joey and Rachel’s: Rachel is sitting at the counter, Joey come out of his room in the alien costume]
Rachel: you go to work?
Joey: yeah, it’s the last shooting today and when the audience likes me, I’m getting a contract for two whole years!
Rachel: wow, that’s great! We’re gonna see you on TV in an alien costume!
Joey: what do you mean?
Rachel: well, when you’re an alien, nobody’s gonna see you real face, actually.
Joey: you mean, no insane stalkers, like that girl who was in love with Drake? What was her name again??
Rachel: Erika
Joey: yeah, Joey and names…
Rachel: aren’t you late?
Joey: oh, yeah bye.
Rachel. Bye (Joey leaves)
[Rachel goes into the bathroom, Ross comes in]
Ross: rach? Rach? Are you here?
Rachel: (comes out) what?
Ross: did you know that phoebe wrote my biography?
Rachel: yeah, I read it.
Ross: you… you… what??
Rachel: yeah, I read it, so?
Ross: so?? Phoebe said nobody read it!
Rachel: yeah, that’s not true…
Ross: when did you read?
Rachel: oh, long time ago. I think when we dated!
Ross: what? She wrote the book when we dated?
Rachel: yes, I helped her to write about it
Ross: you… you did what? You… you told phoebe about us.. I mean, about us??
Rachel: yeah, I told her about us, not that detailed though, but I told her about us, and us. How you didn’t get me in high school and you fell in love with me again, the Julie-thing, our time, you jealousy—
Ross: my jealousy?? I have never been jealous!
Rachel: oh, and what about mark? Didn’t we split up because of him?? Oh, no, that’s why you slept with another woman… I told her that too!
Ross: we were on a break!!
Rachel: we were not on – ok, that doesn’t matter right now.
Ross: yeah, because what actually matters is phoebe’s ross-biography! I mean, I wanted to write my life down and –bum- phoebe just did!
Rachel: and that is so bad why…??
Ross: I wouldn’t be the first…
Rachel: sure! Well, ok, not the first-first but the first you have written!
Ross: ok, but what if phoebe’s is so much better than mine? Everybody wants to read hers!
Rachel: you didn’t even finished it yet! But when it’s done, we all read it and we tell you what is the better one.
Ross: well, only you and phoebe can tell me what is the better one, the other guys didn’t read phoebe’s… (a bit thrown) the other guy didn’t read it…
Rachel: ehm…
Ross: the other guys read it! Why am I the only one who didn’t??
Rachel: because phoebe thought that you might won’ like it…
Ross: oh, that’s so sweet! Why did she think I might won’t like it?
Rachel: because she wrote her version?
[at Monica and Chandler’s: they have breakfast, phoebe comes in]
phoebe: hey you guys!
Monica: hey
Chandler: hey pheebs! What’s up?
Phoebe: I just came over to say that joey’s show is on tv in a few minutes! You wanna see it?
Monica: yeah! But… now?? At ten fifteen??
Phoebe: I said in a few minutes, Monica!
Monica: that’s a weird time for a soap opera, isn’t it?
Chandler: yeah, it is…
Monica: anyway, I’ tell Rachel. [goes at joey and rachel’s]
Phoebe: [switches the TV on] so, what did you do last night?
Chandler: nothing
Phoebe: you did it?
Chandler: yeah… nothing special…
[cut to rachel an joey’s: ross and rachel still discuss phoebe’s book, monica comes in]
rachel: come on ross! It’s not that big deal!
Monica: what’s no big deal?
Ross: phoebe’s book about me!
Monica: what’s wrong with that?
Ross: I don’t know, I didn’t read it!
Monica: I think it’s good. I tells only the truth about you!
Rachel: I told him
Monica: ok, not only the truth. But now, you write your book which is true! And now, come on, Joey’s show is gonna be on TV.
Rachel: now??
[they go to back to Chandler and Phoebe]
rachel: did it start yet?
Chandler: no, not yet. But this show must be great! Ten thirty in the morning, everybody must stand up that early to watch it!
Phoebe: you did
Chandler: I was awake anyway, since nine forty!
Phoebe: yeah, so you won’t miss the beginning!
Chandler: no, I didn’t even know that it comes!
Ross: shht! It begins!
[the TV: a show for children begins, a big blue dinosaur welcomes the kids]
phoebe: look, ross, a dinosaur!
Dinosaur: helluhhhh kids!!!
Monica: oh my god! What is that??
[ joey-aliens comes out]
joey-alien: helluhhhhh kid!
Monica: I’m sorry, it must be what is that??
Dinosaur: who are you?
Joey-alien: I’m Robby, an lien from the planet aglomania!
Ross: oh, that explains everything!
[everybody but phoebe is annoyed yet]
monica: what does robby explain?
Rachel: that Joey is the new hero in the “bobby d. show”! he said when the audience likes him, he gets a two-years contract! But I told him that no one is gonna recognise him in th—
Phoebe: sht!! I wanna see Joey!
[everybody looks at her]
rachel: …and he was afraid that he won’t have fans and stalkers and all that stuff… [phoebe turns the TV louder, everybody looks t her again]
ross: (loud) you mean stalkers like people who follow the stars every time?
Chandler: so, in Joey’s case are the people five years old.
Monica: this is awkward!
Ross: well, I guess that he expects that we won’t see that. I mean, it’s in the morning and nobody who’s in our age watches that. If they don’t have kids [phoebe sings with Robby and Bobby] …or are Phoebe…
Phoebe: ok, if you won’t be quiet, I’m gonna watch Joey at your place Rachel!
[everybody thinks that Phoebe leaves but she stays]
monica: I thought you wanted to see that at their place??
Phoebe: yeah, in the commercial break! I don’t wanna miss the alphabet song! (sings again) A B C D E F G….
[they look at her and go to the kitchen so that they can talk]
chandler: this is ridiculous!
Ross: yes! But you know what is ridiculous too?
Rachel: what?
Ross: that phoebe wrote my biography!
Monica: oh, god, Ross! This isn’t even a real biography!
Ross: ok, what is it then? A funny story about my life?
Chandler: yeah.
[joey comes in]
joey: hey!
Rachel: hey Robby!
Joey: you… you watch the show?
Phoebe: yeah! It’s so great!
Joey: thanks pheebs! (to the others) and what do you think?
Chandler: this is total crap!
Monica: you said it was a soap opera!
Joey: yeah, it’s not a real soap opera… but I liked the work there!
Rachel: so, do you have the contract?
Joey: no. it’s not really what I expected…
Chandler: no hot chicks?
Joey: chandler, this is a show for kids, there are no hot chicks! But, yeah, that’s why I quitted…
Phoebe: (singing) 1 2 3 4 5 6 …..
Chandler: so, that’s not why you quitted?
[points at the dancing Joey-alien on the TV]
[in the hallway: ross comes with his biography to Monica and Chandler]
Ross: (enters the apartment) hey, you guys! would you mind to read a bit of my biography? (searches them) hey, where are you? (goes into the bedroom) ohhhh, god, I’m sorry! I’ll just put I on he table, you can have a look at it when you’re done there… [storms out]