The One With Phoebe's Old Friends
[At Ross’s: he cleans his apartment]
(Monica enters)
Monica: Hey, what are you doin’? (sees the a polish in Ross’s hand) Is that… is that “mop it up”??
Ross: (hide it behind his back) No!
Monica: Do not lie to my, my boy! You clean up in here!
Ross: Nah-ha!
Monica: Ya-ha! OK, then… (takes a banana) Hands up!
Ross: What? You thread me with a banana??
[Monica throws the banana away, hops on Ross, he falls down and Monica takes the polish]
Monica: Hah! “Mop it up”! I knew it! My nose never deceives me! (takes a cloth, crouch down and begins to clean)
Ross: OK, I give up, I’m cleaning.
Monica: What did you say? I couldn’t hear you, I’m cleaning.
[At the Central Perk: Phoebe and Chandler are sitting at a table near the window, a woman sits on their couch]
Phoebe: I want my couch!
Chandler: No, Pheebs, it’s occupied!
Phoebe: So? I don’t care! I’m gonna go and take my couch back!
[Joey enters, thinks Phoebe sits on the couch, goes to the sofa, sits down]
Joey: Hey Pheebs!
[the woman turns around]
Phoebe: Hey, Joey! (waves)
Joey: (stands up embarrassed and goes to Chandler and Phoebe) Hey, what are you doing there?
Chandler: Ehm, drinking a coup of coffee?!
Joey: I can see that! I mean, what are you doing here?? Why aren’t you sitting on the couch?
Chandler: Oh, let me think… because a woman is sitting on it!
Joey: Could you stop your silly jokes for a minute??
Chandler: (offended) blablablabla…
Joey: But I wanna sit on my couch!
Chandler: Yeah, you don’t pay for you food and stuff yourself, but the couch is yours!
Joey: (threads him) What did I just say?? (to Phoebe) Come on, Pheebs, we take our couch back! (looks angry to Chandler)
Phoebe: Yeah, we’re taking our couch back! (looks angry o Chandler too)
[Joey and Phoebe stand up and go to the couch]
Chandler: (goes after them) Hey, guys, you can’t to that!
Phoebe: Oh, yes, we can. See… (taps on the woman) …ehm excuse me, but you’re sitting on our couch.
Woman: (to the cell) Hang on. (turns around) What?
Phoebe: Yeah, you’re sitting on our--- oh my god, Laura??
Woman: Yes, who--- oh my god, Gina??
Phoebe: No! It’s me, Phoebe!
Laura: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yes, Phoebe Buffay!
Laura: Oh my god Phoebe! (hugs her)
Chandler: Oh my god, I’m Chandler. ( wants to shake hands with her, but she ignores him, so he takes his hand back)
Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry, this are my friends Chandler and Joey.
Laura: Hi.
Joey: (looks her up and down) How you doin’?
Phoebe: Joey! (hits him)
Joey: What?
Chandler: How do you know each other?
Laura: We grew up together.
Phoebe: (exited) Yeah, after my mom died, Laura lived two boxes next to me!
[At Ross’s: Monica’s still cleaning, Ross is sitting on the couch and reads a newspaper)
Monica: Wow, this was so necessary! It’s so dirty here!
Ross: I already cleaned there!
Monica: What? Here is still such a big stain! You’re not a good cleaner!
Ross: It won’t go.
Monica: There are no stains, which I can’t clean away! ( grabs at the table, so she can rub even harder)
Ross: Monica, this satin has been here since I’ve moved in!
Monica: (more to the stain)Then it is time to go, buddy! ( rubs harder and rattles the table more, so a fossil falls down and break)
Ross: MONICA!!!!
Monica: Calm down, Ross! I can sweep this away!
Ross: Monica, this is a fossil! This is the Mimb---
Monica: OK, Ross, I can buy you a new one!
Ross: (nervous) Huuuh… OK, Monica, this is a fossil! A piece of an extinct animal! You can’t just “buy a new one”!
Monica: Well, then I can try to fix it.
Ross: No, let me do it. (Monica gives him the broken fossil, Ross starts to fix it)
[Rachel comes in]
Rachel: Here you re! I was looking for you everywhere! What are you doing? (sees the cloth and the polish) Oh, you’re cleaning! (wants to storm out)
Ross: No, wait, we’re finished! (Rachel comes back)
Monica: What? Are you kidding? I am finished with cleaning! You just sat on the couch and read your newspaper!
Rachel: Yeah, whatever! Do you wanna come to the coffee house?
Monica: (looks around) Although… I’m not finished yet…
Ross: (stand up quickly) No, no, no, no! That’s fine! We can got to the coffee house. (try to push her out)
Monica: And you’re fossil?
Rachel: What’s with you fossil? (goes with Monica into the hall)
Ross: Monica broke it. (looks at Rachel)
Rachel: (without talking) Go!
[Ross storms in his apartment]
Monica: But I have to clean! All the dirt!
Rachel: You’re okay honey! Come on! (pushes her down the hall)
[At the Central Perk: Gina, Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch and Chandler is in the armchair]
Phoebe: (to Laura) So, what kind of job have you?
Laura: Well, I have my own company and I’m a millionaires now!
Phoebe: Wow!
Chandler: Yeah, what a career! First waitress, now millionaire!
Phoebe: She wasn’t a waitress, Chandler!
Joey: What is it for a company?
Laura: Well, actually, I married a ninety year old millionaire and then he died, and I have the company now…
Chandler: So, you aren’t a millionaire because of you, more because of you dead, poor husband…
Laura: (bitchy) Well, it was hard to marry him, Mr Funny!
Chandler: Hey, what are you talking about, you trophy girl! And, it wouldn’t be hard for Ross to marry him if he was still alive!
[Rachel and Monica come in with Emma]
Rachel: Hey.
Joey, Phoebe, Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey (goes to Chandler, gives him a kiss, sits down on the armrest)
[Silence, everyone is waiting for Phoebe introduces Laura to Monica and Rachel]
Rachel: (clears his throat) Chrmm… Well, I’m Rachel. (sits down between Joey and Phoebe, puts Emma’s child seat on the table)
Monica: And I’m Monica. We’re friends with Phoebe.
Laura: Hi. I’m Laura. I’m an old friend of Phoebe. And who’s this? (points at Emma)
Rachel: This is Emma, my daughter.
Laura: Oh, you’re married?
Rachel: No, no. She’s the daughter of Monica’s brother.
Laura: (condescendingly) Oh.
Rachel: (angry) Oh? This was a serious relationship!
Laura: Yeah, sure!
Chandler: (in a low voice to Monica) Why does this woman remembers me at Phoebe?
Laura: If you got to say something, Mr Funny, go ahead, you talked the whole day…
Chandler: What? You were the one who told us you whole life. Come on Monica, we go home! (stands up)
Monica: Uhm, but I just came here…
Rachel: Wait, I’ll go with ya. (stands aup)
Phoebe: Hey, we all can go to Monica’s!
[Rachel and Chandler look at each other desperate, everybody go]
[At Ross’s: He’s still fixing the fossil]
(Chandler comes in)
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Hi.
Chandler: What are you doin’?
Ross: Monica broke a fossil.
Chandler: How?
Ross: She was cleaning and then it fell off the table and now, it’s broken. But I’m trying to fix it.
Chandler: She was cleaning in here? This must have been like hell to you! I mean, I have this all day and I’m getting used to it… But you, you don’t know that…
Ross: Yeah. But, what are you doing here? I thought you were at the coffee house with Pheebs.
Chandler: Yeah, I was there, till now. And now I’m pretty much running away from Laura.
Ross: Laura? Who’s Laura?
Chandler: She’s a old friends of Pheeb’s. We met her at the Central Perk. Such a crappy bitch!
Ross: Why?
Chandler: Well, first of all, she is a trophy girl.
Ross: Uh, trophy girl, I don’t like them.
Chandler: There you go. And second of all, she made fun about me, and then about Emma and Rachel.
Ross: What? She made fun about my daughter? (goes to the window) Is it the blond woman, on the couch?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: I’ll tell her something! Nobody makes fun about my daughter!
Chandler: And??
Ross: Yeah, and about Rachel too!
Chandler: Again: And??
Ross: You know what? When she makes fun about Rachel and Emma, she also makes fun about me! Come on, we’re gonna go to her and tell her…
Chandler: What do you wanna tell her?
Ross: I don’t know. I’ll think about it on the way.
Chandler: And the fossil?
Ross: That can wait. (Chandler looks at him implausible) I can take it with me. (takes the fossil and the goout)
[At Joey and Rachel’s: Joey is eating a pizza while he talks to Rachel]
Rachel: This is such a bitch!
Joey: I think she’s pretty.
Rachel: Yeah, sure, that is so you! You like anyone if they are pretty.
Joey: Hey, I like you.
Rachel: You can flatter Phoebe with that, but not me!
Joey: (offended) Mh. Why don’t you like her?
Rachel: This woman is mean! Didn’t you hear what she was saying? Well, no, because you never listen on that what women say…
Joey: Hey, this is mean!
Rachel: No, it isn’t mean, it’s the truth, Joey!
Joey: Well, OK. But she’s not that bad…
Rachel: Yeah, she didn’t say mean stuff to you.
Joey: (self-confident) Yeah and guess why. (Rachel looks at him angrily) Come on, let’s go, we ran out of pizza.
[they leave]
[At Monica’s: Phoebe and Laura are sitting on the couch, Monica’s standing in the kitchen.]
Monica: I’m not crazy about keeping things tidy!
[Rachel and Joey come in, Joey goes to the fridge]
Laura: So, then this (moves the table) won’t disturb you, right?
Monica: (nervous) No.
Phoebe: Really? OK… (moves the armchair)
Monica: (removes the armchair) But you don’t have to exaggerate!
Laura: Yeah, you’re not crazy about order…
[Ross and Chandler enter, Ross puts his fossil on the table]
Monica: (to Chandler) Chandler, she says that I was crazy about keeping everything tidy!
Chandler: OK, trophy girl, that’s enough now! Why do you offend us all the time? We were nice to you! So, just go back to your villa and let us live our lives!
Laura: Hugh, Mr Funny has spoken! Who’s this? (points at Ross)
Ross: I’m Ross, Emma’s father.
Laura: Oh, so you’re the one doing the doll!
Rachel: Hey, I am not a doll! I used to be, but I’m not anymore!
Ross: And I was not “doing her”! We were married
Joey: (eating a pizza) His third divorce…
Ross: Thanks Joe, that was necessary!
Laura: Three women? He got married to three women?? Hoe did he do that?
Ross: I don’t have to listen at this! (takes the fossil)
Laura: Oh, what is Mr Marriage going to do now? Run to mummy?
Ross: No, I just won’t listen to you anymore and fix my fossil… (sits down and fixes his fossil)
Laura: Oh, you work with fossils?
Ross: Yeah, something wrong with that?
Laura: No, I think it’s an interesting job…
Ross: Oh, thanks.
Laura: … for a loser!
Ross: I don’t listen…
Joey: (with the mouth full of pizza, to Monica) Hey, Mon, do you have pizza left?
Monica: No, you ate it all.
Laura: No, wrong time. He eats it all. (to Joey) Hey, are you working out?
Joey: No. Why?
Laura: Oh, just because you’re eating and eating and eating, I mean, if you do that all the time, I’m wondering why you haven’t the size of a balloon!
Joey: You’re right, Rach, this woman is mean!
Monica: OK, listen, trophy girl!
Laura: (to Joey and Rachel who are talking) Hey, you guys. Mr Tidy wanna say something.
Chandler: Woah! Slow down! I told you yet: Stop the insults! It’s enough now, get out of my apartment!
Laura: OK, OK! Calm down!
Monica: Pheebs, can I talk to you for a sec?
Phoebe: Sure. What’s up?
Monica: Outside.
Phoebe: oh, yeah, sure. (they go on the balcony) what’s up?
Monica: You were friends with that women?
[you can see the other arguing with Laura]
Phoebe: Do you also think that she’s a bit mean to you guys?
Monica: A bit mean?? She’s pure evil!
Phoebe: oh, come on. She’s not that bad! Look, how nice they talk!
[Cut inside]
Laura: OK, let’s all calm down and talk.
Rachel: About?
Laura: Phoebe!
Chandler: No! We won’t run Phoebe down! Not when she’s right there, on the balcony…
Laura: no, I wasn’t talking about mean stuff. Just what does she do, what is her job, y’know?
Joey: oh, well, she’s a professional masseuse.
Laura: oh, masseuse…
Rachel: but she also sings and compose songs!
Laura: Really? What for songs?
Chandler: Like smelly cat…
Laura: Smelly cat? I’ve never heard that? Was it famous?
Rachel: Yes, in the Central Perk…
Laura: (loud) She sings at the coffee house?? I knew from the start that she won’t be as successful as I am…
[Cut to Monica and Phoebe, they heard the last thing]
Phoebe: (shocked) This woman is pure evil!
[they go inside]
Phoebe: OK, you’re done now?
Laura: With?
Phoebe: Talking badly about me and my friends! I defend you all the time, but now, you’re over the line!
Laura: What line?
Phoebe: The line! You made me really angry! I am really angry!
Chandler, Rachel, Monica, Joey, Ross: ohhhhh…… (they run out)
Phoebe: Why are you doing this? I don’t know you anymore, you used to be mean, OK, but you never were that mean!
Laura: I don’t know you either!You were meaner!
Phoebe: I changed. I’m not the old, mean Phoebe who lived on the street. I’m Phoebe, whos has wonderful friends, a great job, a nice apartment with my boyfriend…
Laura: You have a boyfriend? Why isn’t he here?
Phoebe: He’s at his parents… but that doesn’t matter now! What is wrong with you?
Laura: My live sucks!
Phoebe: How can a live in a villa and with much money suck?
Laura: OK, I’m rich, but I have no friends, like you do. And you can’t buy you some…
Phoebe: That’s not totally true… But, anyway, you don’t have friends?
Laura: Well, I have my butlers, but I don’t think they like me. I actually kinda have this suspicion that they are trying to kill me…
Phoebe: WHAT?? How do you wanna know?
Laura: I… eh…. I actually found a piece of paper with the words “Ways to kill Laura” on it, and my suspicion… kinda… has proved to be true…
[At Joey’s: Everyone is ther but Phoebe and Laura]
(Ross sits at the counter and fixes his fossil)
Chandler: She gotta go!
Rachel: Yeah, I don’t want to end like that. With this bitch saying mean stuff and with those—
Monica: OK, we now what you mean.
Joey: yeah, I don’t like her anymore either.
Monica: Anymore? That means that you actually liked her once? When? At 10.30?
Joey: No, I was still sleeping at 10.30!
Rachel: No, you were not! You watched cartoons! (everybody smirks)
Joey: This was a secret! Nobody was supposed to know that!
Chandler: I knew that, I lived with you and we watched cartoons all the time…
Joey: There you go!
Chandler: But, now, I don’t watch them anymore, because I grew up.
Monica: OK, that’s nice, Chandler doesn’t watch cartoons, Joey does. Let’s talk about Laura.
Rachel: Yeah. This mean bitch—
Joey: OK, Rach! She’s mean, yeah, but she’s hot!
Ross: (still fixing the fossil) Oh yes!
Chandler: Absolutely… (gets a angry look from Monica)… not as hot as you are! (Monica grins, Chandler grins back )
[Cut back to Phoebe and Laura]
Phoebe: Oh my god! Is this true?
Laura: I’m telling ya! You don’t believe how may ways exist to kill somebody!
Phoebe: Oh, I do, I do… (Laura moves away from her)
Laura: Anyway, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I offended you guys. But I think that I am jealous of you.
Phoebe: yeah, I understand you, I would be jealous of me too.
Laura: (confused) Eh, yeah, sure. I mean, you really have great friends, I really like this Chandler!
Phoebe: Chandler?? Really??
Laura: Yeah, can you give me his number?
Phoebe: Well, he’s actually married to Monica…
Laura: what?? Mr Funny and Mr Tidy?? How long? I mean, is there any chance that they break up because of me?
Phoebe: No, no, there’s no chance. And I don’t think that they’ll like you more then, though… But, I can give you Joey’s number!
Laura: Uh, he’s cute too. But I don’t think that he’d go out with me after tht…
Phoebe: Probably.
Laura: you see, my life sucks.
Phoebe: No! Hey, I’ll try to change their mind about you.
Laura: really? You would do that? And you think this is gonna work?
Phoebe: Yeah, trust me, you can influence them so easy!
[Cut to Joey’s]
Joey: OK, what are we gonna do?
Rachel: Hey, we could do kind of a list. Like Ross did with me, just not with pros and cons though…
Chandler: you mean, like “Ways to get Laura out of the way”?
Rachel: yes, exactly!
Monica: but that’s mean! (everybody looks at her) oh, right. Let’s do it! (Joey grins) The list, Joey!
Joey: yeah… (he still grins)
Rachel: (takes a paper) OK, let’s go!
Chandler: Well, first, I would say that we try to ignore her…
[Rachel writes it down]
Monica: I don’t think that this is gonna work. I mean we yelled at her…
Joey: yeah, that’s right!
Rachel: (throws the paper away) This woman is really not easy! We need a new idea!
Chandler: We could tell her it. (Rachel writes it on a new paper)
Ross: When I can say something, this isn’t really better than ignore him…
Chandler: No, you can’t say something, Mr Marriage! Just fix your stone, OK?
Ross: you know exactly that this is a fossil, Mr Funny!
Monica: well, your ideas, Chandler, aren’t really the best…
Chandler: So? Mrs Tidy? I even have some!
[everybody yells at everybody but Rachel]
Rachel: Hey, you guys! What is wrong with you? (they stop yelling) Are we on the Laura level now?
Monica: Yeah, you’re right.
Chandler: so, what are we gonna do now?? (everybody shrugs)
LATER
[at Joey’s, everywhere is paper, they all lie down: Chandler and Monica on the couch, Joey on the counter, Ross in the armchair, still fixing his fossil and Rachel squats in front of the door]
chandler: I think that we don’t step forward…
(everybody looks at him angily)
chandler: what? Am I wrong with that?
Ross: (jumps up) Yeah, I got it!
Everybody: what? What?
Ross: what? I was talking about my fossil. (exited, dances a bit around)I fixed it!
[everybody looks at him angrily, so he stops the dancing and sits down]
[cut to phoebe and laura]
Laura: So, and how do you wanna change their minds, actually?
Phoebe: I don’t know yet, but I’ll figure something out.
Laura: Perhaps, I just have talk to them and tell them that I’m sorry…
Phoebe: well, you make I very easy for ya. You should try harder to get liking you. You probably should give them a gift or somethin’…
Laura: what for a gift? Invite them to a cup of coffee and talk then?
Phoebe: Don’t be so stingy! They drink coffee the whole day, you should get them a nice car or a plane or –
Laura: OK, that’s not that important to me…
Phoebe: OK, they like me.
Laura: hey, you can talk to them!
Phoebe: I’ll do the whole work??
Laura: See it as a favour you do me.
Phoebe: (thinking) mhhh, OK. But only cause you let me sit on the box of your bike! But I don’t know what I should say…
Laura: tell them some nice stories! The box-thing!
Phoebe: yeah, if a box would make them to like you…
Laura: I meant the bike box story!
Phoebe: oh, OK. (stands up)
Laura: (stands up too) I’ll be waiting in the Central Perk.
Phoebe: OK. See you
[they go out, Laura goes to the Central Perk, Phoebe to the others]
[cut to Joey’s: Joey looks for something to eat in the fridge, the rest is still lying around]
Rachel: Joe, can you pass me the chips there?
Joey: yeah, sure (gives her the chips)
Rachel: thanks. (opens the bag)
[Phoebe comes in: Rachel gets the door in the back, she drops the bag and the chips spread out on the floor]
Rachel: oh no!
Phoebe: oh, I’m so sorry!
[Rachel gets a broom]
Joey: no, I’ll do it.
[Rachel wants to give him the broom, but Joey sits down and begins to eat all the chips]
Rachel: ok, there you go… (puts the broom away)
Phoebe: (sees all the paper on the floor) What did you do with this apartment? Monica, this must freak you out!
Monica: this is not my apartment…
Chandler: we were thinking how to get Laura out of the way.
Phoebe: what?? You guys wanna kill her too??
Ross: no. but this is an idea…
Phoebe: Yeah, but wait, I have to talk to you.
Monica: About what?
Phoebe: about Laura! She’s really sorry, she didn’t mean the stuff she said to you guys…
Joey: that comes late. How does she come to this realization?
Phoebe: I’m serious! I talked with her and she said that she was jealous.
Chandler: jealous?? Also because of me??
Phoebe: yeah, I don’t like to say that, really, but you were a very big reason about this jealous thing… She actually wanna have your number.
Chandler: (happy) and, you gave her my number? (a very angry look from Monica) I hope not, because you know… I’m married… (she grins again, he grins back)
Phoebe: no, I didn’t gave her your number…
Ross: Then whose?
Phoebe: Joey.
Joey: what? You gave that bitch my number??
Rachel: and mine too!
Phoebe: no, not yours Rachel, just Joey’s! (Rachel rolles her eyes)
Joey: how could you give her my number??
Phoebe: calm down! If you know Laura better, she’s a very nice person!
Ross: OK, tell us just one nice story about her.
Phoebe: hah, I knew that you’re gonna ask that! You know the bike-box story, right?
Rachel: yeah, but what’s that about?
Phoebe: And I told you how nice I found that.
Chandler: what?
Phoebe: that she gave me the box!
Joey: who?
Phoebe: oh man! You really should not do hard work, like… these lists! OK, so I’ll tell you this for the last time and even Rachel should get it now. Laura gave me the bike box!
Monica: oh, that was Laura!
Phoebe: yeah, nice, isn’t it?
Chandler: She gave you a box of a bike? But she never let you actually sit on the bike, is this right?
Phoebe: yeah! I didn’t have enough money to buy one for myself.
Chandler: But she never let you drive her bike?
Phoebe: you keep saying it!
Chandler: Don’t you know where I’m going with that??
Phoebe: no. (thinks) oh, oh, this is really mean!
Chandler: oh, really?
Phoebe: (takes a couple of the papers) so, what do you have yet??
[cut to the central perk, Laura is sitting on the couch, they all come in]
Laura: so?
Phoebe: I talked to them and they opened my eyes.
Laura: They opened your eyes??
Rachel: yeah, that’s right!
Laura: so, you didn’t tell them the story?
Phoebe: oh, I did, but that’s how they opened my eyes… you have been, are and will be mean forever!
Laura: what?? I gave you the box of my bike!
Ross: Wow, a box, so generous!
Joey: You could’ve let her take a ride with it!
Laura: Yeah, I could have… but I didn’t. Because you didn’t know how to ride a bike, so I was worries that you broke it…
Phoebe: you could’ve teach me!
Laura: OK, if we are going to tell stories from the past, I have some nice ones about Phoebe!
Phoebe: So, I forgave you! (to the others) What about you?
Monica: but we didn’t!
Laura: hey, did you guys see that Ferrari outside?
[everybody looks at her, Laura nods and they all sit down next to her]
Everybody: so, Laura, how are you?? (something like that… J )
-The End-