10x02 The One Where Joey Tells Ross 19th february - 24th february 2004
(this fan fic is continued from 'TOW The Green Light', which I wrote right after I watched the real episode 'The One In Barbados 2', not knowing how the real Series 10 would continue)
{ J = Lacher *grins*}
[Scene: Joey’s apartment, Rachel and Joey are there.]
[Rachel and Joey are kissing, Joey has his back against the apartment door, Chandler enters]
Chandler: [sees Joey] Oh, I’m sorry.
Joey: [covers Rachel’s head] Um, no problem…
Chandler: While I’m here, how about you introduce me to the lady?
Joey: Oh! Um, no. J
Chandler: Why not?
Joey: She’s not in the mood to say hello to you.
Chandler: [grins] Who would not like to meet me?J
Joey: No one! J[Chandlers grin fades away] OK, would you please go now?
Chandler: Fine, I’m gonna take off. [stops at the door] Oh, by the way, I wanted to ask you about that red sock in the—
Joey: Now go, GO! GO! GO!!J
-Opening Credits-
[Monica’s apartment, Monica, Joey, Rachel, Ross, Chandler and Phoebe are there (to sum up: all the Friends are there ;))]
Monica: [to Joey] Have you told Ross yet?
Joey: [sighs] No. I’m not ready to do this.
Monica: You have to tell Ross quickly, the longer you wait the madder Ross will be at you.
Ross: [to Monica] What, are you talking about me?
[Monica and Joey look at each other]J
Monica: We were talking about Phoebe’s new song, which is called “Ross and Chandler, college mates” J[to Phoebe] Hey, Phoebe, can you play your new song “Ross and Chandler, college mates”?
Phoebe: What?
Monica: [strictly] PLAY!! J
Phoebe: All right, all right! [takes her guitar]
Rachel: “Ross and Chandler, college mates”? I’ve never heard you play it!
Phoebe: Well, me neither!!J
Chandler: [to Ross] Hey, Phoebe wrote about a song about us two, that’s nice!
Ross: [sarcastically] Yeah, and tomorrow she’s gonna sing a song about us getting married…J
Phoebe: OK, now listen:
Ross and Chandler…
Are college mates
Their friendship began quite late
And now I’m gonna stop
Singing about Ross
Cause there’s something else
That’s even more gross—J
Two people are fooling around
And two people don’t know about
The thing that will kill one of them
So they’re not gonna tell him then…J
[Monica, Rachel and Joey look at each otherJ]
Sometimes they just have lunch, but that’s OK…J
Chandler: [Lying on the couch] Ohhhh.
Phoebe: What?
Chandler: Ohhh, there’s something wrong with my stomach – it hurts…
Phoebe: [excited]Oh my god, you’re having a baby!!!J
Joey: No, Pheebs, you’re crazy. Chandler can’t have a baby!!!…his sperm have low motility.J [tips at his head]
Chandler: It really hurts.
Joey: You have to go to the doctor.
Chandler: I know, but I don’t think I can go, I mean, I can’t even stand up.
Phoebe: Oh no, you poor guy.
Chandler: Why?[in pain]Ouch…
Phoebe: When Monica comes home, she’s gonna take care of you.
Joey: What is so bad about that?
Chandler: Oh, you’re right! [sighs] She won’t let me alone, she will hang besides me like glue…ohhhh… J
Joey: Hey, no problem. Just act like a person who isn’t sick. Like me, when I hurt myself after I started working out. I hadn’t any insurance, remember? I had to get a job first.
Chandler: [ironically]Oh yeah, I remember, your acting was terrific!J
Phoebe: Just try!
Joey: OK, I have to take off now, I have to tell Ross…you know—
Phoebe: Yes, I know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: [realising that Chandler heard]Nothing. J
Phoebe: Yeah, Joey! So take off now, and tell Ross—um, you know, nothing…J
[Joey leaves]
Chandler: What is it? Come on, tell me!!…Ouch, owwwww, ohhhh…
Phoebe: It sounds very bad, you should see the doctor.
Chandler: But I can’t! How about this: You go to the doctor, say you’re sick and get the medicine for me. J
Phoebe: [sighs]All right, fine. But you have to tell me where it hurts exactly.
Chandler: Around the navel, and, you know, there’s a lot of air in my stomach, and it always has to get…um,….places. J
Phoebe: Ewwww!! J
Chandler: And, also, I’m feeling really sick, I always feel like I’m gonna throw up—
Phoebe: [quickly] That’s enough. J
Chandler: Thanks, Pheebs, you’re great. And don’t forget: If the doctor asks any questions, don’t give him your information. Give him my information, cause it’s me who’s sick. And if he asks something you don’t know about me, just make something up.
Phoebe: No problem, that’s easy. I’m gonna go now, and if Monica comes home, pretend you’re not sick at all.
Chandler: [smiles] No problem, that’s easy—ohhhh! OOOOWW! J
[scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there]
[Ross and Charlie enter]
Ross: Hey, you two!! Is it just me or are you hanging around much together lately? J
Rachel: Um…[clears her throat] Nooo, it’s just, that we hang around together every Thursday afternoon, that’s all.
Joey: How’s it going with Charlie?
Ross: Great.
Charlie: You’re such a good person, and a wonderful friend.
Joey: [looks depressed] Uhh…sure! J
Ross: I’m so glad I kissed Charlie! J[Joey looks mad] Um, I shouldn’t have said that. J [Joey still looks mad] [silently] Please don’t kill me. J
Rachel: Hey, Joey forgives you. You should always remember that. Joey forgave you. Always remember—
Ross: OK, I think I get it! J
[Monica’s apartment, Chandler is lying on the couch]
[Monica enters]
Monica: Hi darling, I’m home!
Chandler: [indifferently] uh-huh. J
Monica: Is something wrong?
Chandler: [in pain] No. J
Monica: [goes over to Chandler] [worried] Come on, are you sick?
Chandler: [gives up]Yes!!J Can I scream now?
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: [quickly] Thanks. OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! J
Monica: Why didn’t you tell me then?
Chandler: Because I’m a stupid, dull, crazy, crazy man. J
Monica: I’ll make you a tea, and then you’re going to the doctor.
Chandler: No, Phoebe is already getting the medicine for me. Because I can’t stand up.
Monica: Oh my god, are you hot? Are you cold? Do you feel sick? Do you need an extra blanket? J
Chandler: Thanks, I’m fine, I just want to have some sleep. [turns over and falls asleep]
[silence]
Monica: [comes with a cup of tea]Here’s you tea!
Chandler: [wakes up] OH!!!JThanks, but please let me sleep now.
Monica: OK. Do you want me to sing a lullaby?
Chandler: [quickly]OUT!! J
[Monica goes out with the teacup]
Phoebe: [with a weak voice]Hi, I have really hurting stomach ache, owww! J And, I would like to have a, ooooww,J medicine, owwwwww!! J
Lady at the counter: That’s all right, but first, we’d like to check you. Please wait in the waiting room until we call you.
Phoebe: [normal voice]Can’t you just give me the medicine so I can take off? J
Lady at the counter: I’m afraid Dr. Markson will have to check you first.
Phoebe: What, are you afraid I’m not sick and that I’m just coming here to get a medicine for a friend or something? [laughs] I would never do that! J
Lady at the counter: Please sit down in the waiting room until Dr. Marskon calls you.
Phoebe: Fine! [goes towards the waiting room] Counter bitch! J
Joey: Monica, please help us, I don’t know how to tell Ross about Rachel and me.
Monica: [upset]You don’t think I have anything to do??
Rachel: Then why are you hanging out here?
Monica: [pause] Chandler kicked me out. J
[Joey and Rachel nod]
Rachel: [to Joey]I think you should tell him quickly. Like ripping off a band-aid. Quickly and painless. Oh, wait, I mean quickly and painful…J
Monica: Yeah, that’s good. It’s gonna be hard anyway, so you can as well tell it quickly.
Joey: [quickly] Or!!! Or Rachel and I could give Ross a few little indications that he would think we are possibly together, like [thinks] we go around holding hands—
Rachel: Yeah! Or arm in arm…
Monica: Or with the arm around the other’s waist…
Joey: Or I could kiss her in front of Ross… J
[a weird look from Rachel and Monica]
Monica: That’s not a “little indication”!!
Joey: But it’s [grins]good!J
Charlie: Here’s something weird, but I think I can tell you now – The other day I went shopping with Rachel and Phoebe, I found out that Phoebe likes Joey.
Ross: Of course she likes Joey, I mean, they’re friends for, like, ages! J
Charlie: No, she really likes him.
Ross: …Oh. [pause]You sure?
Charlie: If not, then Rachel must be really good at lying. J
Ross: Oh my god, but she’s with Mike now!
Charlie: That’s Phoebe. She has to have every man. J
Ross: What? No, that’s not Phoebe!
Charlie: No?
Ross: Who knows Phoebe longer, you or me?
Charlie: I guess that’s you.
Ross: No, that can’t be. Wait a minute, I’ll call Phoebe. [dials the phone, the loudspeaker is on]
Phoebe: Hello?
Ross: Hi, it’s Ross. Where are you?
Phoebe: I’m with Mr. Markson now. I lay down and took off my clothes—
Charlie: [to herself] Another guy??J
Ross: [to the phone]What?
Phoebe: Yeah, and he checked out my tongue…J
Charlie: [to herself] She’s doing it right now?J
Ross: But what about Mike?
Ross: Oh, I’m sorry, now—[Phoebe hangs up, the phone beeps] Oh, you hang up.J
Charlie: Oh my god, Phoebe’s cheating on Mike, and she talks about it like it’s no big deal!
Ross: That’s new, I always thought Phoebe was not that kind of woman…
Charlie: And she doesn’t even call him by his first name! J
Ross: Wow, Phoebe likes Joey, and she’s cheating on Mike…
Charlie: Phoebe’s kinda weird.
Ross: [ironically]Oh, that’s new!J
Chandler: [in pain]I wanna waaaaaaaaaah! JI wanna watch TVeeeeeeeeeeeeh!J Stop talkeeeeeeeeeeeh!J
[he sits up, takes the remote control, screams, presses a button, screams, he zaps though the channels]
Chandler: [in pain] Ow, ow, ow, ow….
Monica: [behind Chandler, Chandler doesn’t notice] Do you wa—
Chandler: AHHHHHHHH! J [looks around, sees Monica, looks at her madly]
Monica: Ehm…I’ll just be over at Joey’s, if you need me [Chandler looks at her madly] OK, you don’t need me…J
[At the doctor’s office, Phoebe is sitting on a chair, Dr. Markson is sitting at a desk and writes something down]
Dr. Markson: OK, Ms. Buffay, I have to ask you some questions.
Phoebe: OK. [to herself] I’m gonna kill Chandler for sending me here! J
Dr. Markson: What is your marital status?
Phoebe: Well, I’ve been married for about…two years now, and my wife—um, I mean husband J and I have been together for two years, engaged for one year, and now, you know, married, but I’m not that good-looking and also not that good in bed…J
Dr. Markson: A little more than I wanted to know, but still …J So it’s around your navel where it hurts. Did you eat something unusual in the last few days?
Phoebe: Yeah, a lot of meat. That’s right, I’m a cruel animal killer! J
Dr. Markson: [confused]And does your stomach ache have any other symptoms?
Phoebe: [annoyend]Yeah, farting and vomitingJ, can I go now, please?
Dr. Markson: [writes something down] Just a minute. So, when did you have your last period? J
Phoebe: [surprised]Oh! I don’t know, I guess I never had one J [Dr. Markson looks at her weirdly] [thinking] make something up!! [saying]Um, I mean, that was already five weeks ago.
Dr. Markson: So your next period should come anytime by now. And is your period usually regular?
Phoebe: Yes.
Dr. Markson: Did your period ever have any irregularities?
Phoebe: [annoyed] Would you stop asking me stupid questions about my period? I don’t even have a uterus! J [Dr. Markson looks confused] I mean, I have one, but a lot of people don’t have one…J
Dr. Markson: OK, now a different kind of question.
Phoebe: Thank you.
Dr. Markson: Do you take the pill? J
[Phoebe looks even more annoyed]
[Central Perk, Ross, Charlie and Monica are there. Joey and Rachel come in, holding hands]
Ross: Hi guys!
[Monica sees Rachel and Joey holding hands and gives them the thumbs-up-sign]
Joey: Hello Ross. [holds his and Rachel’s hand up, so that Ross can’t oversee it]
Ross: What, are your hands glued together or what? J
[Rachel and Joey look disappointed, they sit down together on the armchair, with arms around each other]
Monica: [helps Joey and Rachel] Wow, Ross, look! Joey and Rachel look like a couple! J
Ross: [looks over] [laughs] Yeah, you’re right! J
Joey: [to Rachel] I think we really have to kiss now. J
Rachel: No!
[Monica waves over to Joey and Rachel, they go away from Ross and Charlie, to the telephone]
Rachel: Man, that guy can be so dull!J
Joey: Nothing works!
Monica: I guess now you don’t have any choice. You have to tell him directly.
Rachel: But…how???
Monica: Um, the best way would be, that you both tell him. Because, if you are also there, Rachel, Ross can’t kill Joey.J
Joey: I guess you’re right. OK, [to Rachel] let’s tell him today in Ross’s apartment. The three of us, alone.
Monica: Great, can I watch? J [a mad look from Joey and Rachel] OK, then no! Man, today everyone is rejecting me! J
Ross: Hey Chandler….what’s up, I haven’t seen you all day.
Chandler: I have a really bad stomach ache, and Phoebe’s getting the medicine for me because I can’t stand up. I wonder what she’s doing, she left an hour ago! J
Ross: Um, Chandler, I have to tell you something. Phoebe isn’t at the doctor’s. She is cheating on Mike, with some guy called Mr. Markson.
Chandler: Dr. Markson is the doctor.
Ross: What? No, I called her and she said she took off her clothes and lay down, and he checked out her tongue…..[realising]oh. J
Chandler: Yep, that’s what doctors do. J [in pain] Owwwww!
Ross: Oh my God, are you OK? Do you need something? An extra blanket, or do you wanna have tea? J
Chandler: [madly] Are you Gellers all the same????J
Dr. Markson: When you go to the bathroom, do your excrements smell unusually? J
Phoebe: [thinking] Make something up, make something up! [saying] Oh yeah! JKinda like, um… burned rubber J and expired eggs! J
Dr. Markson: How many times a day do you have to go to the bathroom?
Phoebe: [thinks] Um,…I think about twenty-one. J
Dr. Markson: Really? OK, now we need a little urine from you. J
Phoebe: [phoebe-like]Oh no. J
Dr. Markson: Just go to the counter and ask for a cup.
Phoebe: [annoyed] Fine. [goes out of the room]
[the counter room is full of patients]
Phoebe: [to the counter lady] Hi. Um, I need a cup.
Lady at the counter: [yelling through the room so all the people can hear] Here’s your cup, the toilet’s over there [points to the right], just put a little of your pee in there and give it to me after you’re finished! J
[all the people look over to Phoebe, Phoebe grins embarrassed]J
[Central Perk, Joey, Rachel and Monica go back to the couch where Ross and Charlie are. Joey and Rachel have their arms around each other]
Ross: [to Rachel and Joey] Wow, you really like each other, do you? J
Rachel: [annoyed, to Ross] 6 pm, sharp, over at your place!! J
[Monica, Joey, Ross and Charlie all look at Rachel]
Phoebe: [to the counter lady] Here’s the cup. It’s no big deal. Not even worth to mention. J
Lady at the counter: [loudly]Thank you for the pee, Miss. Did it go well in the bathroom? J
Phoebe: [angrily] Thanks, very well, cause you weren’t in there saying “Go, Phoebe, you’re gonna make it!!!”J
Monica: Listen, I’m sorry I was annoying you. But that’s me, I’m really caring, and I’m worried about you. I want to make it up for you. Do you want me to make a tea?
Chandler: [looks mad at first, but then smiles] Yeah, that would be great. [weakly] Cause, before, once you said “Here’s your tea”, I kicked you out, and since then, I never got to drink my tea, and that really sucked. J
[Monica goes to Chandler and kisses him]
Chandler: [while kissing] OOWWWWWW! J
Monica: I’d really appreciate it if you weren’t screaming into my mouth…J
Chandler: [wants to say something] M—owwwwwww! M—owwwwwwwww! Towwwwwwww!! toooooow! Ow!
Monica: What?
Chandler: [whimpering] My—owww! My….
Monica: [understands] Oh, right, your tea! J [goes to the kitchen]
[at the doctor’s, Phoebe is in Mr. Markson’s room again]
Dr. Markson: We checked your urine, everything seems to be ok…
Phoebe: [ironically]Oh really. J
Dr. Markson: Yes, so we need a little blood—
Phoebe: [Phoebe-like] Oh no.J
[A female doctor comes in with several instruments]
Phoebe: Fine, go ahead, stab me in the stomach…J
Female doctor: Um, we just need your finger.
Phoebe: You have to know everything better, don’t you? J [holds up her left middle finger to the doctorJ]
[Ross’s apartment, Ross is there. Rachel and Joey enter]
Ross: [looks at his watch] Wow. When you said 6 pm, you really meant 6 pm. J
Rachel: Listen, there are certain things that just happen, and no one expects it.
Ross: Yeah, you’re right, for example, the other day in the museum, the argentinosaurus’s head just fell—J
Rachel: Stop that, Ross. J
Joey: Sometimes things just look as if no one could accept it, and that’s making the thing really hard…
Rachel: …You’re trying to convince people that it’s not so bad, but sometimes it’s hard to tell it one certain person…
Joey: …You’re asking yourself how this certain person would take it, and you’re afraid to lose every single ray of trust…
Ross: Wow, Joey, what you’re saying really makes sense, you should write a book…J
Rachel: Ross, …this is kinda serious…. You’re asking yourself if things are really worth it, or if friendship is more important. Or if it works that both can go on. But it all depends on, you know, if this certain person accepts the thing.
Ross: [a little afraid] What are you trying to tell me?
Joey: OK, let’s just lose the big speech, screw it J…uhhh, by “you”, we mean “Joey and Rachel”. By “certain person”, we mean you. And by “things that happen”, we mean, ….….um, we mean……. that Rachel and I are a couple now.
[silence]
[Ross says nothing, he doesn’t move for a couple of seconds, then he leaves his apartment and closes the door behind him]
[awkward silence]
Joey: [to Rachel] Wow, he took it really well! J
[Rachel looks guilty and pulls Joey with her, they leave the apartment too]
[at the doctor’s, Phoebe is waiting in Dr. Markson’s room, the female doctor comes in]
Female doctor: Well, Miss Buffay, your blood is OK…
Phoebe: [ironically] Oh really. J
Female doctor: So I have to check your temperature.
Phoebe: [Phoebe-like] Oh no. J
[the female doctor checks Phoebe’s body temperature with a device that she puts into Phoebe’s ear]
Female doctor: All right, 37.5 degrees celsius, that’s a little more than usual—
Phoebe: [happily] Yay! J
[Chandler’s apartment, Chandler is there, Phoebe enters]
Chandler: Phoebe! Finally! What did the doctor say?
Phoebe: [angrily] Well, he said you’re pregnant. J
Chandler: What? Owww…What??
Phoebe: What did you expect? Your stomach hurts, you feel sick all the time, you haven’t had your period for five weeks—
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: Well, I couldn’t tell him I were a man, so I made something up! J
Chandler: Did he give you a medicine?
Phoebe: Yeah. A medicine against morning sickness!!! J
Chandler: [Phoebe-like] Oh no. J [in pain] OOOWW! Well, I guess that was a really dull idea, I’m sorry Pheebs.
Phoebe: That’s all right. But, um, I told the doctor that you had to crap twenty-one times a day…J
Chandler: What???? J You haven’t told him more embarrassing things about me, have ya? J
Phoebe: …….no. J
[Ross enters, he’s very upset]
Ross: Rachel and Joey….Rachel…and Joey are, are together.
Chandler: [very shocked]What?…..wh— Hey, my stomach doesn’t hurt anymore!! J [Ross looks angrily over to Chandler] Oh, sorry, let’s talk about your problem. J Are you, are you sure? Don’t freak out until you hear that from Rachel and Joey themselves.
Ross: They told me.
Chandler: Oh, that’s sure. J
Ross: I can’t believe it! Rachel and[disgusted] Joey?! I mean, my child’s mother and my best friend? That almost as bad as my little sister and my best friend! J
Chandler: [ironically] Thanks. J
Phoebe: Ross, I think you shouldn’t be so hard on Joey. Things like this happen, and you’re just gonna have to, you know, accept it.
Ross: You knew it, didn’t ya?
Phoebe: [Phoebe-like] Oh no. J
[Ross’s apartment, Ross is sitting on his couch, doing nothing]
[Joey and Rachel enter]
Ross: No, please not you guys.
Joey: Ross! Listen.
Rachel: Please.
Ross: [to Rachel, upset] Why Joey?
Joey: Hey, Ross. If it’s not me, then it’s someone else. You have to accept that.
Ross: But, you’re, you’re my friend!
Rachel: I know, but, let’s face it. Isn’t Joey better than some stranger who you don’t know? I mean, you have known Joey for such a long time now, and he’s a great guy, don’t you think? He would forgive you anything, no matter what it is. And you should do so, too.
Ross: Is that…is that because you saw me with Charlie??
Joey: I’m not gonna lie to you….yes. But the important thing is, Rachel liked me back! And that’s the main reason. I would’ve forgiven you because of the Charlie thing anyway.
[pause]
Ross: [to Rachel] You really like him?
Rachel: Yeah. We have so much fun together, and I know so much about him. Ross! Joey and I are together now, you have to face it. Please understand, please accept it. We don’t want to lose you.
[pause]
Ross: Can I talk to Joey alone please?
[Rachel looks at Ross, then at Joey, then leaves]
Joey: So? [pause] Listen, you have got to—
Ross: I wish you the best. Please take good care of her. [hugs Joey]
Joey: [relieved] Thanks Ross, I will, I promise.
[cut to Rachel, she’s outside the door and listening. She is relieved and begins to cry]
-Ending Credits-
Monica: Wow, I can’t believe it, Joey and Rachel, [to Chandler] you and me…
Phoebe: Ross, maybe we should hook up too. J
Ross: That’s really huge! I mean, my best friend and my little sister, my child’s mother and my best friend…J
Joey: Who is your best friend exactly?
Ross: I don’t wanna get into that now. J
Chandler: Hey, isn’t that amazing, now everyone of our group has done it with another one of the group. Except for Phoebe.
Phoebe: [grins at Ross] So, what do you say? J
Ross: I’m not having this conversation with you again, Phoebe. J
Rachel: And our relationship also has healing powers. J
Chandler: [joking] Hey, did you hear that? They did everything just for me and my stomach!!
Phoebe: [laughs]Yeah, right! J
Monica: Wow, do you think everything’s gonna change now?
[awkward silence]
Phoebe: [puts her coffee mug down] All right, we waited long enough, we wanna see a kiss now!! J [claps in her hands]
[Joey and Rachel kiss (“jurks”)]
-The End-